Online Dating 101 - Lesson Four

My dear friends and pupils, are you ever in for a treat today! Maggie Wells, author extraordinaire and fellow dirty girl, is here to help us make some sense of man-speak in a lesson we like to call 'Decoding the Man-speak'. I really need to think about trademarking these titles. They're genius, I tell you. 

I gave Maggie a list containing samples of some of the profiles I've been matched with on eHarmony. This is merely a taste of what the men-folk are offering the ladies in the online dating world. Maggie then translated their romantic proclamations into plain English, and I will now share those with you. Oh, and I would advise you to refrain from drinking any liquids at this time because there's a strong chance they'll end up coating your computer screen. 

MT = Maggie Translation

1. Nevertheless, I look for my Juliet and my Rose of Titanic, the woman that knows what it takes to keep it real and ready to love and be loved. MT:  I want a woman who would rather drink poison than live without me and knows the value of a good solid door.

2. I will want to know EVERYTHING about a person, especially your past, family, circle of friends, just as I expect mine to be shared. MT: I’ve already plumbed your Facebook, G+, and Twitter profiles, but that isn’t enough for me. Give me your Social Security Number so we can be truly intimate.

3. I am seeking a professional female whose ambition, kindness, intelligence and compassion brings light into a room. MT: I want someone who can pay the electric for me.

4. I am open to all types of women although I prefer a classy woman, who relies on her natural beauty and is open to physical activity. MT: I want a woman who ‘forgets’ to wear underpants on breezy days.

5. I like gadgets, and gear, and anything that isn't really the every day run of the mill product. MT: Is seeking woman with her own vibrator. Batteries not included.

6. I’m a huge trivia buff! MT: Seriously? So is Alex Trebek.

7. The most important thing I am looking for in a person is faith and an optimism about life, and general thirst to live fully and enjoy thoroughly. MT: I want you to believe in me even when I don’t because I have no self-esteem. I also want a cherry Coke.

8. I'm a very sexual guy, but that doesn't mean it's all I'm looking for. MT: But it’s MOST of what I’m looking for.

9. I also enjoy planting and gardening. Creating designs that enhance the outdoor space adding plants and vegetable plants to a patio or screen room. MT: Um…Is that a cucumber in your pocket?

10. Looks might get me in the start, but personality is what gets me in the end. MT: Well, personality and that one guy at prep school, but that was just a little experimentation.

11. I'm looking for the real thing. I would have never thought I would be on a site like this. MT: Because my mother told me sites like this were populated by tramps and harlots. I’m secretly hoping Mother was right.

12. I like to research and read up on different hobbies, enhancing my knowledge of certain areas of interest so I can apply them later on. MT: I own a dog-eared copy of ‘Sex for Dummies’.

I would like to hire Maggie to be my personal entertainer. :D Wasn't this fabulous? Thank you so much for joining us today, Ms. Wells! I hope you all tune in next week when I share with you the rules of first dates!