Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson Four

My dear friends and pupils, are you ever in for a treat today! Maggie Wells, author extraordinaire and fellow dirty girl, is here to help us make some sense of man-speak in a lesson we like to call 'Decoding the Man-speak'. I really need to think about trademarking these titles. They're genius, I tell you. 

I gave Maggie a list containing samples of some of the profiles I've been matched with on eHarmony. This is merely a taste of what the men-folk are offering the ladies in the online dating world. Maggie then translated their romantic proclamations into plain English, and I will now share those with you. Oh, and I would advise you to refrain from drinking any liquids at this time because there's a strong chance they'll end up coating your computer screen. 

MT = Maggie Translation

1. Nevertheless, I look for my Juliet and my Rose of Titanic, the woman that knows what it takes to keep it real and ready to love and be loved. MT:  I want a woman who would rather drink poison than live without me and knows the value of a good solid door.
2. I will want to know EVERYTHING about a person, especially your past, family, circle of friends, just as I expect mine to be shared. MT: I’ve already plumbed your Facebook, G+, and Twitter profiles, but that isn’t enough for me. Give me your Social Security Number so we can be truly intimate.
3. I am seeking a professional female whose ambition, kindness, intelligence and compassion brings light into a room. MT: I want someone who can pay the electric for me.
4. I am open to all types of women although I prefer a classy woman, who relies on her natural beauty and is open to physical activity. MT: I want a woman who ‘forgets’ to wear underpants on breezy days.
5. I like gadgets, and gear, and anything that isn't really the every day run of the mill product. MT: Is seeking woman with her own vibrator. Batteries not included.
6. I’m a huge trivia buff! MT: Seriously? So is Alex Trebek.
7. The most important thing I am looking for in a person is faith and an optimism about life, and general thirst to live fully and enjoy thoroughly. MT: I want you to believe in me even when I don’t because I have no self-esteem. I also want a cherry Coke.
8. I'm a very sexual guy, but that doesn't mean it's all I'm looking for. MT: But it’s MOST of what I’m looking for.
9. I also enjoy planting and gardening. Creating designs that enhance the outdoor space adding plants and vegetable plants to a patio or screen room. MT: Um…Is that a cucumber in your pocket?
10. Looks might get me in the start, but personality is what gets me in the end. MT: Well, personality and that one guy at prep school, but that was just a little experimentation.
11. I'm looking for the real thing. I would have never thought I would be on a site like this. MT: Because my mother told me sites like this were populated by tramps and harlots. I’m secretly hoping Mother was right.
12. I like to research and read up on different hobbies, enhancing my knowledge of certain areas of interest so I can apply them later on. MT: I own a dog-eared copy of ‘Sex for Dummies’.
I would like to hire Maggie to be my personal entertainer. :D Wasn't this fabulous? Thank you so much for joining us today, Ms. Wells! I hope you all tune in next week when I share with you the rules of first dates! 
:) :( ;) :D :-/ :x :P :-* =(( :-0 X( :7 B-) #:-S :(( :)) =)) :-B :-c :)] ~x( :-h I-) =D7 @-) :-w 7:P 2):) :!! \m/ :-q :-bd ^#(^


  1. Replies
    1. :D This is what I deal with on a daily basis. But they're not all bad. Just most of them....

    2. Reading these lines gave me a new appreciation for Mr. Maggie. He's cheesy but he's cute. :)

  2. Hee, #8 is my fave. Very funny stuff, Maggie. :D

    1. Isn't she a riot? I'm gonna have her back again a few times, I think. ;)

    2. Thanks, Laurie! I liked the one about a good, solid door myself. :D

  3. Replies
    1. Yay! Love hearing that! Maggie is quite a card, isn't she? ;)