Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson Five

Hello there, class! Welcome to another exciting lesson on this spooktacular day! Remember last week (or some other random date) when I told you I had plenty of positive stories and lessons to share about online dating? Well, before we get into today's lesson, I'm going to share some wonderful news with you. My brother recently became engaged to an amazing woman named Krista. And these two crazy kids just so happened to meet on eHarmony. If I could have hand-picked a sister, she would be it. They're a perfect match for each other, and I know without question theirs will be a love that lasts a lifetime. Plus, I might have already purchased toys for their future children, so it sure as hell better last. I'm gonna be the bestest aunt EVAH! 

Anyway, speaking of Krista, my future sis-in-law, today's lesson in online dating is inspired by her. We call it 'The Eight Rules of First Dates'. 

Rule #1: The guy should come to you. This is an ironclad rule. But never, ever let him pick you up at your house. Because I might have done that once, and he might have talked for like an hour to my roommates, and we might have missed our reservation because Chatty (with the girlish voice) couldn't shut up. Solution: Meet him at the chosen location. 

Rule #2: Try to wrap the date up at the one hour mark (max 2.5 hours). Leave them wanting more. If it lasts longer than that, you won't have any material for the next date. True story. Then you'll have to be like me and start writing out scripts on your hands. No one wants to see that. 

Rule #3: Never go to a coffee shop because it de-sexualizes the relationship. I have no idea what that means, but Krista told me to write it. Always go for a drink (besides coffee). It helps to break the ice. 

Rule #4: Always overdress for a date because even if it doesn't work out, you want to leave them thinking they went out with a hot piece of ass. What if I just go naked? Same diff?

Rule #5: The girl should be willing to pay. However, most guys are on their best behaviour for a first date, so if he doesn't reach for the bill then that's kind of a bad sign. One of those 'get out while you still can' signs. Just sayin'....

Okay, personally? I wouldn't go on a second date with a guy who didn't at least offer to pay for the first. There. I said it. I may be a cheapskate, but I'm an old fashioned cheapskate. 

Rule #6: Never make plans on a Monday for a Thursday date. There's too much of a time gap. There's too much uncertainty. If you want to build anticipation, Wednesday evening will do the trick. So will the promise of bowling. Mmhmm. 

Rule #7: Guys need to take the initiative. Never say to a girl, "I'm not familiar with your area. What do you suggest?" Um, he can Google. Make a reservation or choose a nice place. It's not rocket science. 'Familiar with your area?' *giggles*

Rule #8: No Sunday dates. Period. Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday night are excellent date nights. Saturdays are best for second dates. And no one wants to date on a Monday, because, seriously, we all have a case of the Mondays on Monday. Friday night I crashed your party. Saturday I said I'm sorry. Sunday came and trashed me out again...Sorry, I got the Billy Joel fevah. 

Okay, so that concludes our fifth lesson! Many thanks to Krista for her contributions! Next week I have a very special guest who'll be sharing her story of how she met her husband online. They fell in love, even though they were an ocean apart. Stay tuned! :)

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday #16!

Well, hello there! So nice to see your lovely faces! Come on in and take a seat. I have everything from sectional sofas to bean bag chairs for your tender tushies. :D Now, for the entertainment! Today's excerpt is from my story 'Human Touch' featured in the Passionate Exhibitions anthology now available! Here's the blurb: 

Julia Weston hasn’t been with a man in a long time. A really, really long time. Too damn long. When her friend notices her relocation into hermit-ville, she suggests an outing to the local museum for their newest exhibit: Penises of the World. There, the two women are wowed by the phenomenal phallic displays—everything from the 67-inch-long blue whale penis to the anaconda’s two-for-one special.

Clinton Foster, the museum curator, has had his eye on Julia from the moment she entered the building. He’s stunned by her beauty, fascinated by her quirkiness, and praying for an excuse—any excuse—to talk to her. When she stops (for an obscene amount of time) to gawk at the well-endowed whale and attempts to touch the display, Clinton quickly jumps in and asks her to refrain from disturbing the displays. That’s a museum no-no. She accompanies him back to his office under the pretense of further reprimanding, and she soon learns there is a certain penis on the premises that is fair game. 

And now for the good stuff....

She bit her lip as he exposed more and more of her skin. 

“I don’t, uh, normally…I mean, I’ve been eating a lot of ice cream lately and it’s not exactly figure flat—”

He dropped to his knees. His tongue dipped into her belly button, wet and slick, and traced circles around the sensitive ridge.

“Raspberry ripple,” he murmured. “My favorite.”

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks so much for stopping by and have a fabulous day! :)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson Four

My dear friends and pupils, are you ever in for a treat today! Maggie Wells, author extraordinaire and fellow dirty girl, is here to help us make some sense of man-speak in a lesson we like to call 'Decoding the Man-speak'. I really need to think about trademarking these titles. They're genius, I tell you. 

I gave Maggie a list containing samples of some of the profiles I've been matched with on eHarmony. This is merely a taste of what the men-folk are offering the ladies in the online dating world. Maggie then translated their romantic proclamations into plain English, and I will now share those with you. Oh, and I would advise you to refrain from drinking any liquids at this time because there's a strong chance they'll end up coating your computer screen. 

MT = Maggie Translation

1. Nevertheless, I look for my Juliet and my Rose of Titanic, the woman that knows what it takes to keep it real and ready to love and be loved. MT:  I want a woman who would rather drink poison than live without me and knows the value of a good solid door.
2. I will want to know EVERYTHING about a person, especially your past, family, circle of friends, just as I expect mine to be shared. MT: I’ve already plumbed your Facebook, G+, and Twitter profiles, but that isn’t enough for me. Give me your Social Security Number so we can be truly intimate.
3. I am seeking a professional female whose ambition, kindness, intelligence and compassion brings light into a room. MT: I want someone who can pay the electric for me.
4. I am open to all types of women although I prefer a classy woman, who relies on her natural beauty and is open to physical activity. MT: I want a woman who ‘forgets’ to wear underpants on breezy days.
5. I like gadgets, and gear, and anything that isn't really the every day run of the mill product. MT: Is seeking woman with her own vibrator. Batteries not included.
6. I’m a huge trivia buff! MT: Seriously? So is Alex Trebek.
7. The most important thing I am looking for in a person is faith and an optimism about life, and general thirst to live fully and enjoy thoroughly. MT: I want you to believe in me even when I don’t because I have no self-esteem. I also want a cherry Coke.
8. I'm a very sexual guy, but that doesn't mean it's all I'm looking for. MT: But it’s MOST of what I’m looking for.
9. I also enjoy planting and gardening. Creating designs that enhance the outdoor space adding plants and vegetable plants to a patio or screen room. MT: Um…Is that a cucumber in your pocket?
10. Looks might get me in the start, but personality is what gets me in the end. MT: Well, personality and that one guy at prep school, but that was just a little experimentation.
11. I'm looking for the real thing. I would have never thought I would be on a site like this. MT: Because my mother told me sites like this were populated by tramps and harlots. I’m secretly hoping Mother was right.
12. I like to research and read up on different hobbies, enhancing my knowledge of certain areas of interest so I can apply them later on. MT: I own a dog-eared copy of ‘Sex for Dummies’.
I would like to hire Maggie to be my personal entertainer. :D Wasn't this fabulous? Thank you so much for joining us today, Ms. Wells! I hope you all tune in next week when I share with you the rules of first dates! 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday #15!

Happy Sunday! Thanks for coming! I have some festive treats for you today, such as pumpkin pie, hot apple cider, and, of course, candy corn. Help yourself to anything and everything. While you're munching away, I'll tell you a little bit about the excerpt I'm gonna share with you today. It's from a hot and steamy story called Sweet Smoke. A firefighter landlord and his fire-waiting-to-happen tenant get caught in a few heated situations. Here's one of them....

            She wasn't sure what turned her on more: the fact that the man worked with his hands, or that her lease had been pressed against his ass this entire time. She did her best to smooth the creases out of the pages, barely scanning the printed words as she went. There were far more important things to think about, like how she was now touching the paper that was still warm from the heat of his body.
 Feeling his eyes on her, she lifted her head and murmured, "Got a pen, Smokey?" God help her, he pulled one from his shirt pocket. How many girls get to sign an ass lease with a chest pen?

Hope you enjoyed! Have a fabulous day! :)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson Three

Hello, my darling pupils! Welcome to another exciting lesson! Today we have special guest, Dawn, with us to share some of her experiences with online dating in a lesson we like to call 'The Trouble With Text-speak'. Alternate title: 'How Online Dating is like Google'. Well, I have a confession. Dawn isn't REALLY here, but she gave me permission to use her material. Seriously. So I'm gonna pretend I'm her now. Ready? Here goes....

Hey, y'all! (She's from down south). So I tried out the whole online dating thing and it wasn't the greatest experience for me. There are several reasons for that, y'all. (Am I overdoing the y'all? I'll pull back a bit). Some of the men on there say stuff that really boils my craw. 

Okay, better idea. I'm going to share the conversation I had with Dawn about online dating. :D This is verbatim. Mostly. 

D: I hardly got any responses, and the ones I did get were ridiculous. On one site they allowed you to set certain restrictions, so I set the one that stated you had to send a message with a minimum character count. I got sick of seeing messages like, "Hi." I set it to the max it allowed, which I think wasn't much at all. Like 200. A day or two goes by and I actually get a message. It said, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

E: LOLOL! See, this is what I'm talking about! I want you to share stories like this.

D: That's not even enough to make a post! I didn't last long in the internet dating world. For me, the internet is where you get instant gratification. You Google, and bam! There's your answer. My mistake was assuming online dating would be the same way. I would put up a profile, search, and bam! Find a bunch of options. Like Google, sure, I expected a lot of the results to not match. What I didn't expect was that all I would get would be invalid links. You know, like profiles where the guys claimed to have a college degree but for some reason were unable to use punctuation. 

E: Dawn, I'm telling you, I could just copy and paste this entire conversation. 

D: And then those that felt that an attractive trait would be to use text-speak. How many guys walk into bars and actually pick up women by saying something like, "Hi, colon close parenthesis. Ur profile is nice, L-O-L."

E: This is perfection. I'm copying all of this and I'll give you credit. 

D: Works for me. 

E: So I tweeted this today: "I've had three baldies in a row in new round of eHarms matches. I don't remember asking for men without hair. Pants, on the other hand...." And then I got a random tweet from some dude I don't even know that said, "You leave us baldies alone!"

D: Hahahahahahahahaha! Which reminds me of something that drove me nuts about the whole pic thing with online dating. What is up with guys taking pics with their shirt off in front of the mirror? And if you do this, why does it not cross their mind to at least clean up the area of the bathroom that will be in the frame of the shot? 

E: LOL! I love the guys who take pics of their 40,000 tattoos, because that really turns me on. 

D: Also? There is no need to post a pic of you with your vehicle. If you feel it is important to let people know  that you have a means of transportation, you need to re-evaluate your personal strengths. 

E: Hee! This is gold, Jerry! Gold!

D: And the guys with their vehicle pics are always with cars or trucks that are so big. As if we don't know that equates to small brain and small penis.

E: I know, right?! Jeez! And copying....

D: And then some guys are so dedicated to putting up a good pic they have someone get a side view of them actually driving. 

E: Ha!

D: Because, you know, we can't trust the guy can drive just because he was pictured with his car. We need to see him operating the vehicle. 

E: I can't believe you said you have no material! I have enough for two blog posts now. /End conversation

Welllllll, maybe not quite two, but that was pretty awesome, wasn't it? I know the past three lessons haven't been putting online dating in the most positive light, but we'll get to that. I promise. Next week, my BFF and fellow author, Margaret Ethridge, will be here to shed some light on what the guys are really saying in their profiles in a segment we call 'Decoding Man-Speak'. Hope you stay tuned! I've seen a sneak peek and it's hysterically funny, not to mention educational. That's what we're all about here at Evelyn's blog-house. Hope y'all have a fabulous day! :x

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday #14!

Hello and good morning, my friends! I can't believe I've been doing this for fourteen weeks already, and I'm still having an absolute blast! Hope you're enjoying reading the excerpts as much as I enjoy sharing them and writing them in the first place. :) Today's six come from my January 2013 release, Cheapskates in Love. Here's the blurb: 

It’s couples' skating night down at the local rink and Elena Armstrong can’t seem to keep her cocky jock blind date around long enough to knee him in the balls. Sadly, she was too much of a cheapskate to pay for a membership to an online dating site and based everything on Leonard’s personality profile alone. Big mistake.

At the opposite end of the rink, Ben Kessel, another cheapskate on a blind date with Iris, the ice princess, is having a similarly miserable time. Elena, a hater of all things sports-related, inches out into the skating world butt-first and collides with Ben. After sharing their hilarious and horrifying dates-gone-wrong stories, the two disappear and make everything right again on the floor in the players’ dressing room. Almost everything. They forget to exchange numbers. Now these two cheapskates need to make the ultimate sacrifice: pay for a membership to the online dating site so they can track each other down. But is the possibility of love really worth the price of $24.95 per month?

And heeeeere's my six sentences!

          At present, Mr. Smooth was currently skating circles around every man, woman, and hormonal teenager in the public rink like he was frigging Dick Button. Well, he wasn’t getting his dick unbuttoned tonight. She was ready to pull a Tonya Harding on the jerk.
          “Hey, Elena,” the big dope called to her on his twelfth trip around the oval, “let go of the boards and come skate with me!” He didn’t even wait for a response, the bastard. He could have at least paused long enough for her to tug off her skate and whip it at his giant head. 

Needless to say, the 'big dope' isn't Ben 'kiss-me' Kessel. :D Thanks for stopping by! Hope you have a wonderful day! 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson Two

Helloooooo! Welcome to our second lesson! Today we have special guest, Jessica, sharing the Five Least Sexy Things to Say in an Email. Be prepared to laugh, folks! Aaaaand take it away, Jessica!

Hi, everyone! Evelyn is so awesome for starting this series, isn’t she? It’s nice to know someone else has had some interesting experiences with online dating. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to be a guest on the blog!

So, once you’ve dipped your toes into the metaphorical pool (or is it an ocean?) of online dating, one of the most intimidating parts of the experience is initiating communication. Depending on your website of choice, this can mean sending a “wink” to show you’re interested, sending your match a few questions to answer, or if you’re feeling particularly confident, bypassing all of the stages and sending an email.

There are definitely pros and cons about sending emails through an online dating website. However, the biggest ‘pro’ of them all can also be a ‘con’: you catch a glimpse of your match’s true personality right away.

Since it’s nearly impossible to tell what specifics may get your match’s heart to pitter-patter, it’s probably easier to share some big no-nos in the emailing process. I’ve had lots of emails in the just over six months I’ve been dating online, but I’ve found some trends in communication that will make me hit my ‘delete’ button faster than ever. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Five Least Sexy Things to Say in an Email.

5. ”What kind of computer sings? A Dell! LOL!”: Now, there’s little that makes me fall harder than a cute guy with a great sense of humor. And I’m not opposed to the cheesy lines, either. But in an email, the quirky charm of a random, goofy joke is lost. I’d much rather you crack a joke about something in my profile than pull out the road-crossing chickens.

4. “Hey your [sic] beautiful let’s meet up tomorrow at the coffee shop at 2pm.”: I’m flattered! But first, grammar is sexy. Second, I barely know you! What’s your name? And hey, points for being assertive. But, do I get a say in all of this? Also, I have plans tomorrow. And if I didn’t before, I do now.

3. “I was on Millionaire Matchmaker!”: This one’s 100% real, internet. This guy was on a reality show that airs in the US that aims to set millionaires up with their potential life partners. If Patti Stanger can’t set you up, you may be a hopeless case. Also, I remember that episode well. You were quite the pig, so bragging about the episode probably won’t do you any good.

2. “Hi, my name is Jake. I just moved to the area and I’m looking for ways to meet new people. I’m new to the whole online dating thing. It’s weird, isn’t it? I like movies, sports, and…”:  I think everyone can agree that the copy and paste approach doesn’t work. I can get all this information from your profile! The point of an email is to communicate beyond what’s in the profile. Do we share a mutual interest in crocheting? Or are you also a fan of the same always failing baseball team? Nix the “copypasta” and let’s have a real conversation!

1. ”I know I’m too old for you, but I can be your Sugar Daddy!”: I’m a gal who values maturity and life experience, but…this won’t work. While I find the salt-and-pepper look to be distinguished and handsome, I am a woman in my twenties, seeking a man in his twenties to live forever in mutual (endearing) weirdness. Hey, if the sugar daddy situation is sexy to you, then great. It’s probably not wise to jump right in and assume it’s sexy for everybody.

When deciding to e-mail someone, the best advice I have is to pay attention to your match’s profile! That may sound obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many matches forget that an email is a first impression, even if you’ve taken the other steps of communication first. It’s safe to say that when we feel like our needs are being ignored, we shut down. So, take those extra few minutes to compose a great email. That is really sexy.

Amen, sistah friend! Fantabulous post, Jessica! So what do the rest of you think? What takes an email from lame-o party of one territory to sexy-mc'sex-land? Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for next week's lesson about the trouble with text-speak! :)

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday #13!

Hi, folks! Welcome to another round of SSS! Today I felt inclined to share a snippet from my story 'Human Touch' featured in the Passionate Exhibitions anthology because we had an early release! It's now available at all the usual places, such as Amazon and the Turquoise Morning Press bookstore. Like how easy I make your shopping? ;) Oh, right, it's time to share! I should probably mention that my story is set in a penis museum, and touching the penises on display is a museum no-no. 

As if he could read her mind, he whispered, “Touch me.”
“Am I allowed to?"
He rocked back on his heels and rose to his feet. Her eyes fell to his crotch. The thing was bulging against his dress pants, begging to be touched. “This is the only penis on the premises that’s fair game.” 

Thanks for reading! Please, come again! :D

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson One

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the first edition of my new weekly segment that delves into the world of online dating. I call it 'Online Dating 101'. Inspired, I know. In the coming weeks, you will discover all the dos and don'ts of the internet dating world. You will learn how to decode 'man speak'. You will hear hilarious and horrifying tales of dates gone wrong and dates that never made it past 'hello'. And, most importantly, you will be given all the tools you need to get out there and find Mr. Right! So, without further ado, let's begin....

Today's topic is...WHY? Why is it so hard to find a man? Also, why choose online dating? 

There comes a time in every woman's life when the carpal tunnel syndrome kicks in and we need to find alternate ways of pleasing ourselves. I'm sorry, but I'm not about to strap on a slutty dress and hoochie-mama heels to lure a guy home with me from a bar. I've spent far too much time playing the damsel in distress at Home Depot, and my sausage jokes in the meat section of the grocery store aren't going over as well anymore. Either I was doomed to a life filled with cats or I needed to make my way to the nearest nunnery. I chose eHarmony. 

I tried the 'free membership' for a while. Because I'm a cheapskate. I also enjoy trying to cheat the system. Didn't work so much. See, there's one itty-bitty (GINORMOUS) problem with the whole free membership thing: you can't see their pictures. I'm not a shallow person, but physical attraction is kinda important in the grand scheme of things. Part of me was terrified I was 'communicating' with fifty-year-old bald men with beer guts. We'll get back to that.

So, you're officially a member! Now what? Create a profile! It sounds easy, but is it? No. No, it's not. First off, it takes over an hour to answer all the questions. Then you have to upload pictures and spruce up your profile in case someone who's into aesthetic appeal has his eye on you. And once you're finished with all the nitty-gritty details, you finally get to 'see' all your matches. *shudder* *twitch* *gag* *thud* *gag* *gag* *gag some more* Suddenly all your worst fears are coming true. Fifty-year-old bald men with beer guts really ARE checking you out.  

How does one weed through all the...less than average Joes on their way to finding someone who doesn't induce the vomiting reflex upon first glance? Time, patience, alcohol, bleach, etc. There's no easy way, I'm afraid. You must search through every profile. And whatever you do, don't allow yourself to get a good gut feeling just by the guy's name alone. "Oooh, his name is Gabriel. I bet he looks like an angel."/conversation I had in my head before viewing Gabriel. I still haven't recovered. 

It's not all bad. You'll find some good ones, trust me. You'll even be thrilled to know that some of them have superior language and communication skills too. We'll discuss that further next week when my special guest, Jessica, will shed some light on the 'stages of communication' and the 'five least sexy things to say in an email'. 

If you have any personal experience with this subject, do let me know and I'll schedule you for a guest spot! Hope you enjoyed the intro to Online Dating 101, and stay tuned for next week's edition! :)