Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Online Dating 101 - Lesson Three

Hello, my darling pupils! Welcome to another exciting lesson! Today we have special guest, Dawn, with us to share some of her experiences with online dating in a lesson we like to call 'The Trouble With Text-speak'. Alternate title: 'How Online Dating is like Google'. Well, I have a confession. Dawn isn't REALLY here, but she gave me permission to use her material. Seriously. So I'm gonna pretend I'm her now. Ready? Here goes....

Hey, y'all! (She's from down south). So I tried out the whole online dating thing and it wasn't the greatest experience for me. There are several reasons for that, y'all. (Am I overdoing the y'all? I'll pull back a bit). Some of the men on there say stuff that really boils my craw. 

Okay, better idea. I'm going to share the conversation I had with Dawn about online dating. :D This is verbatim. Mostly. 

D: I hardly got any responses, and the ones I did get were ridiculous. On one site they allowed you to set certain restrictions, so I set the one that stated you had to send a message with a minimum character count. I got sick of seeing messages like, "Hi." I set it to the max it allowed, which I think wasn't much at all. Like 200. A day or two goes by and I actually get a message. It said, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

E: LOLOL! See, this is what I'm talking about! I want you to share stories like this.

D: That's not even enough to make a post! I didn't last long in the internet dating world. For me, the internet is where you get instant gratification. You Google, and bam! There's your answer. My mistake was assuming online dating would be the same way. I would put up a profile, search, and bam! Find a bunch of options. Like Google, sure, I expected a lot of the results to not match. What I didn't expect was that all I would get would be invalid links. You know, like profiles where the guys claimed to have a college degree but for some reason were unable to use punctuation. 

E: Dawn, I'm telling you, I could just copy and paste this entire conversation. 

D: And then those that felt that an attractive trait would be to use text-speak. How many guys walk into bars and actually pick up women by saying something like, "Hi, colon close parenthesis. Ur profile is nice, L-O-L."

E: This is perfection. I'm copying all of this and I'll give you credit. 

D: Works for me. 

E: So I tweeted this today: "I've had three baldies in a row in new round of eHarms matches. I don't remember asking for men without hair. Pants, on the other hand...." And then I got a random tweet from some dude I don't even know that said, "You leave us baldies alone!"

D: Hahahahahahahahaha! Which reminds me of something that drove me nuts about the whole pic thing with online dating. What is up with guys taking pics with their shirt off in front of the mirror? And if you do this, why does it not cross their mind to at least clean up the area of the bathroom that will be in the frame of the shot? 

E: LOL! I love the guys who take pics of their 40,000 tattoos, because that really turns me on. 

D: Also? There is no need to post a pic of you with your vehicle. If you feel it is important to let people know  that you have a means of transportation, you need to re-evaluate your personal strengths. 

E: Hee! This is gold, Jerry! Gold!

D: And the guys with their vehicle pics are always with cars or trucks that are so big. As if we don't know that equates to small brain and small penis.

E: I know, right?! Jeez! And copying....

D: And then some guys are so dedicated to putting up a good pic they have someone get a side view of them actually driving. 

E: Ha!

D: Because, you know, we can't trust the guy can drive just because he was pictured with his car. We need to see him operating the vehicle. 

E: I can't believe you said you have no material! I have enough for two blog posts now. /End conversation

Welllllll, maybe not quite two, but that was pretty awesome, wasn't it? I know the past three lessons haven't been putting online dating in the most positive light, but we'll get to that. I promise. Next week, my BFF and fellow author, Margaret Ethridge, will be here to shed some light on what the guys are really saying in their profiles in a segment we call 'Decoding Man-Speak'. Hope you stay tuned! I've seen a sneak peek and it's hysterically funny, not to mention educational. That's what we're all about here at Evelyn's blog-house. Hope y'all have a fabulous day! :x

:) :( ;) :D :-/ :x :P :-* =(( :-0 X( :7 B-) #:-S :(( :)) =)) :-B :-c :)] ~x( :-h I-) =D7 @-) :-w 7:P 2):) :!! \m/ :-q :-bd ^#(^


  1. Hmmm, I may know a Dawn. Big truck = small brain and small penis. I may have giggled. OMG this was cool. LOL. ;)

    1. Like, OMG, we love giggling! :D Thanks for commenting, Laurie!

  2. This was so funny. I was giggling the entire time. So entertaining.

    1. Yay! So, so happy to hear that, Michelle! Next week's session will have you peeing your pants, I'm sure. ;)