Online Dating 101 - Lesson One

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the first edition of my new weekly segment that delves into the world of online dating. I call it 'Online Dating 101'. Inspired, I know. In the coming weeks, you will discover all the dos and don'ts of the internet dating world. You will learn how to decode 'man speak'. You will hear hilarious and horrifying tales of dates gone wrong and dates that never made it past 'hello'. And, most importantly, you will be given all the tools you need to get out there and find Mr. Right! So, without further ado, let's begin....

Today's topic is...WHY? Why is it so hard to find a man? Also, why choose online dating? 

There comes a time in every woman's life when the carpal tunnel syndrome kicks in and we need to find alternate ways of pleasing ourselves. I'm sorry, but I'm not about to strap on a slutty dress and hoochie-mama heels to lure a guy home with me from a bar. I've spent far too much time playing the damsel in distress at Home Depot, and my sausage jokes in the meat section of the grocery store aren't going over as well anymore. Either I was doomed to a life filled with cats or I needed to make my way to the nearest nunnery. I chose eHarmony. 

I tried the 'free membership' for a while. Because I'm a cheapskate. I also enjoy trying to cheat the system. Didn't work so much. See, there's one itty-bitty (GINORMOUS) problem with the whole free membership thing: you can't see their pictures. I'm not a shallow person, but physical attraction is kinda important in the grand scheme of things. Part of me was terrified I was 'communicating' with fifty-year-old bald men with beer guts. We'll get back to that.

So, you're officially a member! Now what? Create a profile! It sounds easy, but is it? No. No, it's not. First off, it takes over an hour to answer all the questions. Then you have to upload pictures and spruce up your profile in case someone who's into aesthetic appeal has his eye on you. And once you're finished with all the nitty-gritty details, you finally get to 'see' all your matches. *shudder* *twitch* *gag* *thud* *gag* *gag* *gag some more* Suddenly all your worst fears are coming true. Fifty-year-old bald men with beer guts really ARE checking you out.  

How does one weed through all the...less than average Joes on their way to finding someone who doesn't induce the vomiting reflex upon first glance? Time, patience, alcohol, bleach, etc. There's no easy way, I'm afraid. You must search through every profile. And whatever you do, don't allow yourself to get a good gut feeling just by the guy's name alone. "Oooh, his name is Gabriel. I bet he looks like an angel."/conversation I had in my head before viewing Gabriel. I still haven't recovered. 

It's not all bad. You'll find some good ones, trust me. You'll even be thrilled to know that some of them have superior language and communication skills too. We'll discuss that further next week when my special guest, Jessica, will shed some light on the 'stages of communication' and the 'five least sexy things to say in an email'. 

If you have any personal experience with this subject, do let me know and I'll schedule you for a guest spot! Hope you enjoyed the intro to Online Dating 101, and stay tuned for next week's edition! :)